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| Saturday, March 27, 2010 |
| Faded, Tired and Completely Uninspired. |
| i don't think i really want to kill myself. i just don't want to hurt anymore. i hate feeling like this. i'm so alone. i'm so pathetic and stupid. i hate myself. i was starting to think maybe i was getting better, but today i'm back to feeling like shit. it actually seems like my heart hurts.
The past three days have been sufficiently stressful. I don't really know if I expect anyone will wat to read this long passage, but it does get pretty interesting. My life is a fucking soap opera.
So now,here I come again..I'm so bored with my life.All of what I am and who I am is nothing but a mess.I'm trying and trying so hard to make myself feel better but I'm not happy.Sadness,sadness and grudge is ruling my heart.I hate,I hate love him,I hate rude people..because everything's not seeming to be alright everything's broken and I'm lost.I don't have options to choose from rather but to make my ownself feel better though what's really happening with my life is all these mistakes and bullshit things.But I never decided to cut myself,I won't slit my wrists coz it will just worsen the pain and will make me feel so stupid.I want to get out from this melancholy,I want to breathe peace and love,I want to be feel loved .i dont want to be taken for granted..i dont want someone will lie to me and make me believe of something which is completely a lie.. i want someone who helps to bring out the best in me i want some1 or i NEED someone rather who will make me very happy.I want to get out of this depression..this lonely life I'm living.I wanna change my lifestyle but I dont know how to make my own decisions..and I don't think I could escape from this,I don't want to be damaged,I don't want anger to rule me..I just want to escape from the hateful emotions which are trapping me and won't make me happy.
i know i'm not perfect..if you can't make me happy.. please just let me go.. this is too much torture.. i dont deserve this.. i deserve to be happy or happier either............ |
posted by Germaine's Random Thoughts @ 12:42 PM  |
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| Friday, June 6, 2008 |
| grrrr......... |
| Cutting / Cutters. | I know alot of people that cut themselves. which brings tears to my eyes sometimes.
that there life is so bad that they have to harm themselves. alot of people find many whys to cut themselves.
*pencils
*knives
*scissors
*razors
*broken glass
*wood
*paper
basically anything that will cause pain and cut themselves
some strive for attention and some just have no way of venting there depression.
they do have anti-depressents for cutters .
but this actions are followed by major health concerned.
*you can damage veins
*bleed to death
*cut open a vein
-these conditions are life threatning
so please if you know anyone that cuts tell someone to get them help.
they will be under 72 hour watch to make sure that they do not harm themselves in anyway, cutting is a form a suicide. |
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june 6, 2008
i hate what i am feeling right now.. alot o things nanaman are popping up on my mind.. and i really hate it.... ive been stucking moi b*tt here at home for few hours since i woke up this morning.. i get tired reading heaps of books... watched straight 4-movies... surfed anywhere in the net.. *sigh* so bored.. i dunno what to do... ill cry? laugh-out-loud? haaays.. promise gotta meet up wid jackie.. yeah... haaays.. thank God i have her..=p |
| posted by Germaine's Random Thoughts @ 2:36 PM |
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| Friday, May 30, 2008 |
| happy 29th anniversary ma&pa! |
| i love you so much!! thank you so much or everything! =) |
| posted by Germaine's Random Thoughts @ 8:48 PM |
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| Monday, May 19, 2008 |
| May 18.... Fiesta!! |
| Finally, we were able to celebrate the fiesta despite the economic poverty..lolz my mom just prepared foods just incase surprise guests will come. The ones invited were our intimate family relatives. And some of my very close friends were also there.. hmm.. about 6 of them..yeah..(jerica, chelle, marge, dkai, itik, carlo and nico) and we were all enjoying..joking, laughing the whole hours.. I missed them a lot.. they were my high school classmates-friends.. we stayed in our rooftop and I brought my computer’s speaker and there we really had fun..we had never-ending catching up and a lot of intrigues and gossips..lolz anyways, after we had the eating session at home around 7pm they decided to visit itik’s brother at the cemetery, its located outside our subdivision…and a (looong)walking distance if you can..heheh wala lang magawa sa buhay. They want something new eh..there’s a sari sari store outside our subdivision. Nico, (the one who really insisted to a cemetery strolling) bought a candle and a matchbox. After that, we walked again until we reached the memorial park. Its very peaceful there and not to mention clean..hehhe while were walking, sumthin really aweful I felt on my foot. Its kinda uhmm wet and sticky and when I looked down..ewwwwkks yuckkkss a frog.. anyways, I started running away from them and I told them to went back home.. but then I think I couldn’t walk back in the exit alone. So we continued walking.. I was beginning to enjoy the moment heheh I kept looking around… when we reached itik bro’s resting place we lit the candle and utter a short prayer .. the stupidest we ever did was that we took pictures right there..hehhe so ayun,, we decided to left the place because all of us were experiencing goose-bumps. Hehhehe ano mag-isog gud? They decided to went home because its quite late already… I was waiting a pedicab outside the house of Mr. and Mrs. Salcedo.. we just had a little talk about the fiesta and my sisters and my dad’s health condition.. after a little while, the pedicab was coming…. i courteously said goodbye and hitched the pedicab..=) |
| posted by Germaine's Random Thoughts @ 8:06 PM |
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| Saturday, May 17, 2008 |
| whatz on my mind =pp |
I really have alot of sh*t going through my mind right now. And i really wish i knew how to deal and handle it... because it's all crazy sh*t if you ask me. Mostly i've been thinking about alot of it and i really wish that everything would be alright.. but i'm not sure if that is going to happen because it's not the only thing going through my mind if you know what i'm talking about...grrr Have you ever throught you don't belong but you know how to make things alright for other people because that is how i'm thinking right now... My emotions are all over the place and it's hard if i'll have to give you that...Why can't things be back to the way they were because i always keep asking myself that and my head won't give me the answer i'm looking for.. and everything. It's like my body as control over my head and it won't let me feel the way i want to feel and deal with this pain and everything. I'm just thinking things that make me feel like i'm me and not have to worry about anything else you know. I have dreams in life that are not going anywhere because i'm not myself this is all happening to fast and i'm not sure on how i'm going to deal with the pain once i have that change you know what i mean. I don't regret anything because that just me stronger in places i never knew that i could be and everything..... i should stop writing now... my mind is turning up side down...!!!!!!! *sorry |
| posted by Germaine's Random Thoughts @ 7:03 AM |
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| Sunday, May 11, 2008 |
| Revelations |
taken last may 11, 2007 "Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control"
 “I will never cheat on him, if he did that, once twice.. I won’t no matter what T-T” this was the exact words I’ve said to jukie May 11 of last year. i live by this principle,, “ I don’t care If i am cheated for as long as I wont do it…
I remember Jukie confessed to me that he was in love with me last Dec 10, 2006. at that time, me and my ex boyfriend just broke up. And jukie knows it. He knows everything about what happened to us. He’d been a good friend of mine ever since. Every time im depressed he’d been there for me. He’s there to give advices, to comfort me. And everything that a true friend does. I considered him as one of my most precious ones even before. He really thought that I have finally ended between me and my ex because at that time I felt really bad I intend to speak whats on my mind and it was full of anger, pains and heartaches. That’s why I told him that its over between us. So there, that was the start how Jok-jok and menmen became an item. The guild was aware what happened to my personal life. That I just broke up with my my ex because my ex did this and that. All of them knew it. And they’re aware too that jukie likes me so much. And that time that I was single again, they’re all expecting that jukie will court me. They even helped jukie set up a date where we can talk and I told him everything, . it was then…
Dec 10, 2006
We were at the beach . since it was part of the guild’s activity for the month. This was the time that when me and jukie talked in the seashore. It was around 11:30 in evening I guess. While walking, We talked about what just happened to me and and my disappointments and failures on the commitment I was just into. I cried. I really really cried hard. I felt like I was that worst to deserved those pains. It seemed so hard for me to accept what was happening. I was just inlove and I couldn’t explain why it will end up like this. And jukie was there just listening and comforting me. After I have calmed myself, jukie told me. “maine, I am inlove with you and I know you can feel it, I know how your heart had been ripped right now. As a man im telling this infront of you now, offering you my love and all the happiness I could give. And if you want me to do that, will you allow me to be your man? At that time, I was so shocked! I never expected that jukie was really serious when I heard rumors that he likes me. It was all of a sudden. I don’t know what to say, what to react . I mean diba,, as a dalagang pilipina, “ligaw” thingy is very much important. And it was a tradition na before maging kayo, the ligaw factor is important. Kaya ayun,, shocked talaga ako. Though, crush ko si jukieyao the very first time I saw him. But still, it wasn’t enough para maging kami, kasi before I entered into a commitment, I make sure that I am inlove. Then, in no time mag-popropse saken ang lalaking to..oh m g. I was like jukie, come to think what you were saying. I mean, alam mong crush kita but it was just up to there. The next thing he did, he held my hand and said “ it is just a yes or a no”…oh no! super gulo. Ano na gagawin ko. I like jukie. Yeah. But guess it isn’t enough. And then he said.. “ im willing to gamble maine, alam kong hindi ka inlove saken, pero I know if you will allow me to prove to you na mahal kita, I believe eventually u’ll learn to love me… oh no! shocked talaga ako… dunno what to do..I asked God to give me a sign on what am I gonna do next. When I turned my head, I saw an arrow à…it symbolizes the direction of the rest room. And I realized, it means “right“.. I asked jukie,, “are you really sure??” then he said “if I say yes, would it mean a yes too?” I was still confused,, but I smiled at him and said “ yeah”… so there, he kissed my hand and said thank you. So ayun, everything was running well. We always managed to have a happy time together. I was happy with jukie.. and I know eventually, I can love him. And I guess if it wasn’t too early to tell, im beginning to love him at that time. He’s everything that a woman will be grateful to have.
December 21, 2006
Everyrthing was turning fine when unexpectedly me and my ex got the chance to talked,, then again I was confused. He explained to me everything that had happened. And that he still loves me. Confused nanaman ako… grrrrr… well, I asked God for signs nanamn. i invited my ex at home for Christmas Eve and If he’ll say yes and have the courage to face my family.. I’ll give another chance for our relationship, that was my sign. then ayun.. he said yes and hes willing. We started communicating again. We started dating.
December 24, 2006
He celebrated the Christmas eve at home. I introduced him to my family. And it was the beginning of our 2nd chance . And I was really really happy.. but then
Pano na si jukie??? He’d been nice to me all the time. He doesn’t deserved this. he insisted to me that he’ll come over at home and id no choice. I talked to him and tell him everything. I was ready for whatever he’ll tell me. I know I deserved it. Then ayun,,, I never expected again what he said “ I understand maine,, go ahead. Be happy.maybe this isn’t yet the right time for us, but I know someday. Someday maine. But bear in mind that I will still be here for you.” He left. I texted him “ thank you jok. Thank you so much”
After it, things were starting to turn out great. Trials are always there but we were able to surpassed it. But then there were times that even I am commited and supposedly happy to the relationship we’d given 2nd chance. Something’s missing. There were times that I thought this isn’t right. Something is wrong. Yet, I still try hard to do the right though its unfair to both of us’ part..because all he knew I loved him yet I couldn’t let him know whats on my mind during the times when he can sense that somethin’s wrong. I must admit, even I am committed with him, I am still going out with jukie. But we were just merely talking. Nothing more, therefore, I couldn’t tell I cheated. And I know i never did. Then ayun, God knows, we both try to work things out and it lasted for almost a year. Though, there were times that I realized i was not happy anymore, I still tried hard to make things work. because somehow, i know i loved him and there were alot of times that i've been happy with him.
October 13, 2007
I was really confused again. I thought I was very much in love and happy to the commitment we had. But it was so strange, something was wrong with me. And one thing id figure out, I was not happy anymore. I planned to broke up with him. Id have reasons anyway and I guess he’ll understand. But then, we were able to talk and I realized.. yeah, hes right. We still can make it. But then after a week , it was October 20, 2007 when we talked seriously again he told me he was confused too. And he needed a break. He wanted space and enough time to think about things. So I gave him that. And I guess I needed it too.. he left for a-month vacation. We ddnt communicate. Jukie was always there by my side and I told him this time I will take things slowly. We went out together as purely friends. I don’t wanna think about the feelings I have for jukie because I want to be completely heal first before I get myself involved to a commitment again, when jukie tries to open topic about us he understands when I said I am not yet ready to talk about it. I don’t want to be “padalos-dalos” again coz in the end its either may nasaktan ako or ako yung nasaktan. And jukie understands it perfectly. I couldn’t explain yet the real feeling I have for jukie because I used to view things at different side and its gonna be impossible to view it at different side again. I still believe in what I want to believe for so long and not knowing it isnt the reality anymore.
As time passed by, I woke up one morning realizing I’ve been really inlove to the first person who wrote me a beautiful poem. It is only now, I could define the feeling I have for him for quite long. This is what I call, finally falling in love with jukie.
Its only me who really knew JUKIE. And no one has the right to judge him. Some of my friends might have misjudged him but I still believe I made the right decision of loving him. I love him so much though I couldn’t explain why but I know deep in my heart I really do.
I have learned so much about what happened to me in the past. Some may misjudged me too but I am just a human being, who’s entitled of making mistakes and getting hurt. And I am proud, after all I was able to rise after my downfall.. and I am happy.
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| posted by Germaine's Random Thoughts @ 4:44 PM |
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| yung mali ko lang is that, i stoop down to HER level! ", |
| gawd! i was looking for my old simcard and there... i have opened this sim.. this was past.. pero wala lang, na remember ko la.. haaysss... i can't imagine na pumatol ako ha iya hin text text na nonesense. i was reading again her messages for me hmm. it seemed na expert talaga hya mag-pinan-away hihihi.. well,, wherever you are now gurl,, good luck and sana pirmi ka lamang tim mga kaaway..", hehehe wala lang,, actually nonsense gad ini tak post waray la.. bored la ako... hihihih |
| posted by Germaine's Random Thoughts @ 7:53 AM |
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| Saturday, May 10, 2008 |
| 6:30pm.. Finally im home! |
| haaay salamat.. adi na na ako balay.. naka-karigo na ghap again..i really felt irritated kun by 5pm waray pa ako balay kay feeling ko damo na it mga micro organisms all over my body hahah and i am in my most comfy clothes na..(pajama and huge tshirt) heheh.. for me, thats the best attire on earth if only i could wear that in school..haays. i will.. grabe tak adlaw yana,, very very mainit ha gawas.. whuhuhu and u know that my major enemy no. 1 is SIRAK..hhehe i hate it kun nasisirakan ako.. (ano aswang?! haha) well, medjo nose-bleed yana tam discussions ha school... but anyways, i'll just wipe it kun tumuro hahhah kumadto ngay-an kami ni aileen ha vet kanina kay an ira puppy gumawas kuno an left eye huhuhuh we thought nga an puppy naka-confine pa ha vet clinic kaso na-discharge na ngay-an...i also asked about trixie's vitamins and her kittens kaso waray ddto he doc soo mabalik nala ako buwas... ohh wait janna just called me up.... prepare anay ako mga foods namon... see yah! |
| posted by Germaine's Random Thoughts @ 7:46 AM |
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| Thursday, May 8, 2008 |
| Ms Rusty1 (rusty as in kalawangin!) |
i prefer to call HER that way....hehe well well,,, i dont know why on earth i have dreamt about her! *nyaks* hmmm i woke up in the wee hour this morning w/ her evil laugh plaster on her face... anyways,, i cant call her my enemy actually 'cause i know in my heart waray ako gin himo ha iya ...hehehe war-freak la talaga it hya.. shes quite poular too... kay,, first glance mo ha iya face, very innocent talaga... kaso la in the inside,, very kalawangin hehehe known ghap hin mga negative thoughts.. as in super negative... way way back,, i still refused to believe that shez really that worst kaso meada man hya gin himo ha akon though, minor gad la compare it iya ginhimo ha iba na mga tawo...oh by the way,, we studied in the same school way back,, thats why nakilala ko hya..( my school now is my 8th school since i was in pre-elem.. so guess it nalang kun ano na school! hheheh)
anyways,, asya ini an akon dream.... nakada kuno ako ha cr, too bad,, alone.,, gin sundan ako nya then she said some nasty words and she slapped me... YEss! she did that! hehehe what a real weird dream! kaya ayun i went out w/ a very talonan face...huhuhuhu,, u know whats next?? hihihihi i decided to sue her i called up a lawyer daw,, tapos good thing my surviellance camera an cr (uwaaaah what a cr! hahaha)... the lawyer and i negotiated to the owner of that cr and we paid them then they gave us the copy of the video captured inside the cr.. tapos ayun,, my lawyer file a LIBEL CASE and PHYSICAL INJURY!...hehhe when the court daw, sent the subpoena to ms. rusty1's house.. she ddnt take it seriously daw,, napaka la ghap..heheh so since waray nya gin mind,, considered guilty hya... nag-preare kuno hin warrant of a rest na an mga police... umupod kuno ako pag-arrest ha iya,, nakadto kuno hya ha ira school then nag-cclass hra... tapos aun,, rght there and then the policemen arrested her.,, ginsakay hya ha mobile car... =)
--no comments please |
| posted by Germaine's Random Thoughts @ 7:15 AM |
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| Tuesday, May 6, 2008 |
| nakuuhh ms. talentada! lolz |
happy evening everyone! we'r here at ninang linda's place right now..shes mom's bestfriend. its jelynn's birthday, my Godsistah... as usual,, kun aadi kami sing-along to the max and unlimited kainan... hehhehe ealier, i joined them..then ayun, ninang linda forced me to sing ehemm eheem good thing na, kami kami la it aanhi ky if evr you could never let me sing... hihihi pan-bathroom lang...hhaha
why i called myself ms.talentada??? hihihi well,, eh sa ganun talaga. i dont have much interest singing much more dancing! weeeewww!!! i never dance! hahha uhmmm thats so exaggerated...uhmm rephrase rephrase,,, uhmm i remember the last time id dance was during our practical test ha PE2 hahaha axa la adto....allergic talaga ako it word na D A N C E... in SINGING naman uhhmm i love it but it seems to hate me hahha,,, its just that im not that music lover... to make it short... since it dancing and singing connected ha music well too bad for me...heheh sala ini ni mama ngan ni papa kay dapat han bata pa ako gin voice lesson naman la or dancing lesson hhmmmp tak nareremember la painting lesson... hehe w/c i think moody ada ghap adto tak teacher kay moody ghap tak pagkakapot hin paint brush.. hehehe uhmmm kakapoy na ako pag-type.. i'll get back to the novel i have started reading earlier... written by nicholas sparks... excited ako taposun *hihihi
mwah mwah |
| posted by Germaine's Random Thoughts @ 8:52 PM |
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| Monday, May 5, 2008 |
| Yahooo!! i got a new blog..=) |
i am inspired by Lenai..(..my classmate and a good friend too) i've read her blog and i found it really cool blogging using our very own dialect..=) yana asya tak hihimuon hehehe (kun bumasa la ini he lenai mayakan gud ...germaine aw-anun heheh) anyways, this is it... ive created this because i want to write quite different from my other blog, the Germaine's Inner Personality Blog w/c i couldnt write freely i mean i couldnt write anything what i really want.. im hesistant maybe its gonna be misinterpreted and can start a flame..(because i actually dont who reads it )you know what i mean but then i come to think of it, there's no harm because i'll just write here my thoughts "all honesty" so expect it na tak mga posts dinhi will be a lil frank hehe and not just AKO! AkO! like my other blog.. yana uhmm medjo mandadamay ako hin mga people who have questionable existence! lolz sorry for the term hihihi and syempre mga people na connected ha akon.. (..precious or rusty ones ) hehehe im so excited to get started...=) |
| posted by Germaine's Random Thoughts @ 7:57 PM |
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